Just SO tired….

Well…..here I am again!  

Seems as if I hardly ever have anything good to write about lately.  I try to stay positive…..and find all the good things in my life…..but other than me and my family are alive …..which is a wonderful thing……that’s about all that going good right now. 

Yesterday was the court hearing to determine the custody of my grandbabies.  I THOUGHT my grandaughter’s custody was in the bag….and all I had to worry about was  my grandson.  Boy was I WRONG……!!!!!!!! 

The judge kept my grandson with the family that has him.   His father gets visitation as well as my daughter.  I was really worried that he would be placed with his dad…..not that his dad is a bad person….but he likes his beer, and has been known to get very drunk……often!  He has also been known to drive with the kids in the car while drunk……which I only found out about AFTER the fact.  I was not happy…..to say the least! 

My grandaughter on the other hand…..was pretty much a done deal.  Her father had only seen her 3 times in her 2 short years.  Her grandmother had only seen her 2 times.  When my daughter and I got off the elevator at the courthouse, and walked around the corner, she said to me “Mom…..isn’t that Kayleigh’s other grandma?”  I looked at her and said NOooooo…..that wouldn’t be her.  They don’t care what happens to Kayleigh….if they did they would have made an effort to see her!!!  The more I looked at this woman….the more I was convinced it WAS the grandmother.  I got up and walked over to her and sat down and said to her “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???”  She said….we only found out about this on Weds…..and my son couldn’t get here in time…..so I’m here representing him!  I almost broke down right there.  I asked her WHY……WHY did he care?  He hadn’t seen Kayleigh or been a part of her life…….why all of a sudden is he showing interest in her.   I had to hold my daughter back…..she was ready to go at this woman.  The anger she had….was soooo bad that she was shaking so much I thought she was gonna pass out!   

The witnesses were are called into the courtroom.  I guess Kayleigh’s father is hiring an attorney.  I am  SCARED out of my wits.  Surely to GOD they would NOT give this little girl to a man that doesn’t even KNOW her……and that she has no idea who he is. 

So as of now…..they are scheduling a court date for the custody of Kayleigh.  

Yesterday…..my daughter talked to a Pastor…….about her life……the drug use, the children, her attempted suicide the night before that I had NO CLUE about, getting her life straightened out, reaching out to God for help…….and most importantly being a MOTHER to her children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy to hear her say those things.  She has lost everything.  Her kids…..her car…..her job…..everything that mattered to her.  I pray this is what it takes for her to change!!!!!!  God how I pray this……….

Til next time…..I will try to stay in closer contact with you all so you will know what is going on!


Published in: on February 9, 2008 at 9:18 pm  Comments (3)  

Good morning!

Hi all!  

Very sorry for not being around more.  Things are about the same as they were, except for the fact that my grandaughter is now in the custody of the family that has her.  Since her biological father didn’t contest the custody…..it was granted to them within a 3 week period.  She is doing WONDERFULLY!!!   They are a fantastic family with 4 other kids.  The difference in her is remarkable!!!!  She is no longer a little shy thing that goes off in a corner when people raise their voices.  Now she is a little social butterfly…..lol.  Talks non stop and is happy and healthy and LOVES to sing……sooooo cute!!!  I still can see her most anytime I want.  And when she knows she is coming to my house she gets all excited cause she knows she’s gonna see her Mamaw and Papaw!!!!

My grandson is still with the people that had him……except his biological father is fighting for custody of him.  In a normal circumstance…..I would say that he needs to be with him.  But he is FAR better off with the family that has him right now.  His dad has lots of problems…..one of them is drinking.  Is he capable of taking care of him?  Yes……but not in a way that he should be taken care of.  Which is what he is getting with the family he is with right now. 

My daughter……I think she is doing just a little better.   I’m not sure about the drug use…..because I could rarely tell before when she was using unless she was nodding out.  She says she is not using……but she’s said that to me before……so I don’t know for sure.  She wants her babies back……but I told her just last night…..her babies deserve all that life has to offer them, and right now……she can’t give them that.  She can’t even take care of herself……so how is she supposed to take care of them?

I have finally came to terms with the fact that my grandchildren are with two different families.  There are still days I have LOTS of guilt for not having them with me.  But I know in my heart…..they are far better off right where they are.  At least this way…..I can be their grandmother and not their mother.  Which is the way it is supposed to be! 

The depression has it’s days.  Lately I have been a little scared because those bad thoughts have been flooding my head.  The ones that I had in July……..that put me in a suicide crisis unit.  I truly hope and pray this is just a temporary thing with me and that it won’t get worse. 

Hugs to you all…….and thanks for reading and for your support!!!


Published in: on February 2, 2008 at 9:48 am  Comments (2)  

I’m here…..

Some of you who know me know that when I get really depressed….and stressed….I don’t talk much.   I more or less withdrawl from everything.  

Lately I have been very stressed and worried.   My daughter is now shooting drugs.  She is getting ready to lose custody of her two kids to a family that has had them for the last 4 months.  I would love nothing more than to have them BOTH….but I know I can’t take care of them the way they should be taken care of.   Mentally, emotionally and physically…..I’m just not able to right now.  This family that has them….takes such good care of them.   My grandaughter went from being very withdrawn and clingy……to this bubbly….cheerful….talkative little girl.  SOOOO much difference in both of them.   HOW can this be a bad thing???   And I pretty much get to see them whenever I want to.

Until she can get her head out of her ass…….and get the help she needs so desperately…..this is the best thing……for them all!!!!

 Thanks for the concern….and caring!!!


Published in: on November 19, 2007 at 9:38 am  Comments (7)  

Scary shit….

My daughter was hospitalized on Saturday.   She was VERY sick.   She was having horrible pain in the left middle section of her stomach.   They put her in the hospital to run some tests on her and for observation.   The pain killer they were giving her wasn’t even touching the pain.   Why…some of you may ask?   Because her tolerance to pain meds is so high due to her drug abuse.  I’ve never seen anyone in that much pain in my life.  It broke my heart that I couldn’t do anything to help her.   An Infectious Disease Specialist came in yesterday and told us she had E-coli in her kidneys.   And had she waited even a few hours longer to come to the hospital……her kidneys would have shut down.  They gave her some high powered anti-biotics and when I spoke with her this morning….she was feeling better.  She said she was very sore….but the pain had eased off tremendously.   I thank God for being with her…..and healing her.   I found out by doing some research on my computer that E-coli can be fatal……if it isn’t treated.

I have my granddaughter today……YAAAAAY!!!   She is so precious……she’s talking now.  She was very happy to see me this morning.  Held out her little arms and said MAMAW!!!

Til next time…..hugs to you all!!!

Published in: on October 1, 2007 at 9:48 am  Comments (4)  

Monday, Monday…….

I know…..I’ve been a little quiet lately.  It’s just that not EVERY day something happens.  I’ll take quiet ANY day to the drama that I have had recently.

Daughter update:

She still has a job…..not sure how….but she does.   She has missed more work than she has worked.   I just don’t know how she does it.

The babies are still with her boss.  Who is doing a wonderful job taking care of them.  I’m glad my daughter has someone willing to do that for her.  I wish….I could!!!

I guess I just keep waiting for the bomb to drop.  Any time I get some peace and tranquility……I can’t enjoy it because I feel like it is the calm before the storm…..so to speak.  I’ve got to learn to enjoy every single second I have….that is peaceful….because they are few and far between.

Have a great day!


Published in: on September 17, 2007 at 1:23 pm  Comments (1)  

Happy day-Sad day!

I finally got to see my grandkids today.  I called the lady who is keeping them and asked her if  I could have them today since I was off work.  She said “sure” I’ll bring them by on my way to work.  I had forgotten just how much of a handful those two can be……..together……lol.   BOTH still in diapers.  BOTH very demanding and needy!   BOTH wanting to be held and have lots of my attention at the same time.  And only one ME…..lol

They are growing and changing so fast.   I love them so much I can’t even begin to tell you…..unless you have grandkids……just what they can do to your heart.   I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything that remotely resembles how I feel about them.  I love my own children more than my life……this is just different.  It’s a bond…..and bond like I can’t explain.  Knowing that a child YOU gave birth to and nurtured and loved……gave birth to them…..just doubles the love.

My daughter called me and asked me if I would go with her down to the health department to get a DNA test done on her son.  Even tho we know her ex is the father….it still has to be done for the child support thingy.  I went with her…..and we took both kids.  Her ex was there…..and I kinda felt sorry for him.  He told her he had lost his whole family.  Even tho her daughter isn’t his child…..he has been the only thing she has ever known as a dad.  And he was very good to her.  Treated her just like she was his own.  On the way home…..my daughter and I had a long talk.  For the first time in a long time…..we didn’t argue…..or yell.  We just talked…..like a normal mom and daughter.  If there really is such a thing.  She told me she was SO confused right now.  She has a new guy in her life.  (I think she needed some time without anyone…..with just her and the kids…..but that’s just my opinion….and we know how my opinion goes over with her.)  She said she really cares deeply about this new guy.  But there is still that longing…..that she and her ex could make it.  I know this can’t happen.  They are toxic for each other.  All they do is fight.  In front of the children…….it’s awful!  I told her I had been right where she was…..and had those same feelings……but she needed to use her brain and not just go on nothing more than feelings.  She just looked at me and said….”Mom, I’ve screwed up so many times”  I don’t know what to do!   I need my kids with me…….could you help me get a place of my own?   I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I know she needs to be on her own…..but with her….being on her own means, boredom…..freedom…..and DRUGS.

It’s a scary feeling…….for me!

Later this evening……the lady who is keeping them right now came with my daughter to get them.  My daughter kissed them both and held on so tight………and sobbed!  I cried……because as HER mother……I knew how her heart was breaking right then.  Her daughter looked at her with those huge blue eyes and smiled and leaned over and kissed her.  I had to leave the room……..it was so hard.   She left…….and the kids left with the lady who’s keeping them.

When they left…..I sat and cried.   I know in my heart that eventually this will all work out the way it’s supposed to.  But right now…..it’s hard to deal with.

Til next time……hugs to ya”ll

Published in: on September 10, 2007 at 10:04 pm  Comments (3)  

Hi Ho….Hi Ho….it’s back to work I go!

Today starts my long week of working.   I get so tired of working…….sometimes I joke and say I should have been born a rich little princess…..then I wouldn’t HAVE to work!!!   LOL

Since I’m NOT a princess……..well you know!!!

I really appreciate those of you that have written comments on what I post.   I have been in a major funk lately and haven’t wanted to even talk to anyone…..on here…..or the phone…..or in person.   This is the way I get when things are bothering me.   I tend to dwell on them.  I’m a thinker……always have been.  Plus I’m co-dependent!!!   Put those two together and it’s a recipe for DISASTER…….. 😦

I’m thoroughly convinced that I can fix it all……not really….but in the past I sure have tried hard enough.

I’m still so worried about my daughter….and my grandkids.  She hasn’t seen them since last Thursday.  I got very angry with her yesterday and told her that this was crazy.   Her kids needed her….and needed to be with her.   She says she’s trying……trying to find a place for them to live.  The more I talk about it, the more upset I get.   I wish so much that I was mentally and physically able to take care of both of them.  Then I would just keep my mouth shut……and slowly move them in with me.

I guess everything will work out the way it’s supposed to……..eventually.

Published in: on September 5, 2007 at 12:53 pm  Comments (5)  

I’m back……

Jim and I took a much needed mini-vacation last week.   I had a blast…..didn’t wanna come home.   If I ever get the opportunity to move to Gatlinburg, Tenn.,  I’m goin for it.   I love that place.   So peaceful and serene in those mountains.   I took lots of pictures, so when I get them developed I’ll put some on here…..providing they turned out ok.   The camera I used was left at my house by the people I bought the house from.   They didn’t want it, and it’s a JEWEL.   A Minolta Maxxum 7000.   I LOVE it…..just hope it works.   I’ve never taken any pics with it until last week, so we will see.

Update on my daughter.

Nothing has really changed.   She still has her job…..but only by the skin of her teeth.   She has been late several times…..and also has taken a longer lunch break than she is supposed to.   Her boss must be a very patient lady….that’s all I can say.   Cause I would have already fired her by now!

All day Friday I had this horrible feeling that I just couldn’t shake.   You know one of those feelings where you just KNOW something bad is gonna happen.   But it didn’t….thank God!!!   I was so edgy all day long….and by that night, I just broke down and started crying.

I miss my grandkids…….so much!   I haven’t seen them in over a week.   Now I’m sure some of you are saying….huh?   Just a week???   But the oldest grandchild…..lived with us over a year and I saw her every single day.   She and I have this special bond like I’ve never had with anyone.   Not seeing her for a week has really messed me up.   She has been with my daughter’s boss.   They are there….more than they are with my daughter.   It’s not really a bad thing, tho.   They are being taken care of, going to church, and there’s not any yelling or fighting in front of them.   In other words……they aren’t around a bunch of DYSFUNCTIONAL people!!!   I tell myself this on a daily basis…..sometimes it works…..sometimes it doesn’t.   I miss them….and that isn’t gonna change!   I just wish I was physically and emotionally able to take them myself.   But I know I can’t……unless I had to….then I would have no choice.   I just want what’s best for them…..and sometimes…..it isn’t always what I want.   I want my daughter to step up to the plate and be a responsible mother….and take care of her own kids.   And understand that children learn what they live.   But I don’t see that happening anytime soon, either.

Hope all is well with all of you……and thanks for the comments and advice!

Hugs to ya’ll


Published in: on September 2, 2007 at 12:13 pm  Comments (4)  

Another day….blah, blah, blah!

She started her new job on Monday…….and left work early yesterday because she had a migraine. Her kids have been with her boss for 5 days now. You have no idea how much this worries me. She wants to be a mom……but she needs a break. That’s what she told me last night when I confronted her about leaving the kids so much. THEY need her……especially her oldest. She is very clingy right now…and she loves her mommy. It just breaks my heart, but I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday morning, she came bolting through the door and informed me that I would be babysitting because she didn’t have time to take the kids to daycare. My husband informed her that we couldn’t because we had things to do. I don’t mind at all watching my grandkids…..I love them. But if I give my daughter an inch……she will take a mile, and I will be babysitting every day that I have off. I can’t mentally or physically do that. I wish I could. I would love nothing more than to have those two as much as possible, but I just can’t……..not right now, anyway. If it came down to me taking custody of them, then I would do that, because I would have to. They need stability and God knows they don’t have it right now. I just keep hoping that she will see the light soon and straighten her ass out!!!

She met a new guy. I’ve talked to this guy a couple of times and he seems very nice. Not sure what he will do when he sees her explode into one of her rages. It takes a very good person to put up with her behavior when she gets like that. I’m thinking he won’t tolerate it for a second.

I swear I feel like I’m living in a soap opera most of the time around here……it’s sad!!!

Published in: on August 22, 2007 at 7:30 am  Comments (4)  

The new job

She started a new job today.   I hope with everything in me that she works hard and everything goes good for her.   I am worried, tho.  She will be around money…..lots of money.   With her….money is a trigger.   It means the ability to buy drugs.   Even tho this is NOT her money, I’m still afraid she will take it to buy drugs.   This means going to jail if she takes it.   She has to learn…..she has to be independent.   She has to learn to support herself and  her kids.   There’s only so much I can do at this point!!!

Published in: on August 20, 2007 at 3:56 pm  Comments (3)