I started another blog about my breast cancer……but decided to just keep this one, because right now…things are going great with my daughter.  She hasn’t used drugs as far as I know since I found out I have breast cancer.  One of the things I told her……was if having cancer meant she would stop using…….it was WELL worth it to me.  I would gladly take it…….and I truly mean that!!

I started my chemo last week……on Weds.   I couldn’t have been more terrified if I had been in prison getting a lethal injection.   Because in my heart………that’s what it felt like.  I knew once the chemicals started dripping in my veins…….life as I knew it then……would NEVER be the same.  And it won’t be…

I started to cry…….as I watched each drop come out of the the bottle.  At one point…….I wanted to jerk the IV out and run out the door and say NOOOOO……I can’t do this!!!!   But I also knew I had no choice.  I was given no hope for survival if I didn’t get the chemo.  So this was not a choice…….it was a necessity.  Still……it was the scariest thing I think I have ever done.  I started having a panic attack about 10 mins into the infusion.  I sent my husband out to get the nurse because I felt sure I was having an allergic reaction to the drug……..nothing like a panic attack to zap you back to reality.  I literally had to MAKE myself calm down.  Thank God I took my laptop with me to get my mind off of what was going on.  Well at least it helped.

The whole thing took a little over 6 hours……I was never soooo glad to get out of any place in my life.  I came home…….and cried again.  It’s really such a weird feeling that I was having.   In so many ways…….I felt VIOLATED.  Again……I knew life was never gonna be the same for me……and there was no guarantee that I would benefit from putting these toxins in my body.   But again….I had no choice……I had to do it.   For my children…..my husband……my grandchildren……friends and family……but most of all FOR ME.   I had to know in my heart I had done EVERYTHING I could do to stay alive.  Then if I died…….at least I fought…….and didn’t give up!

Most days I’m on an emotional roller coaster.  I’m crying as I type this……but in 30 mins I could be laughing.   Guess that’s the joys of cancer……..it RIPS you of sooo many things.

My next treatment will be on the 15th of October.  I’m already dreading it……but the good Lord will sit right there with me through that one too…….cause he promised he would not forsake us!!!!!!!!



Published in: on October 3, 2008 at 6:40 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. We are keeping you and your family in our prayers ALWAYS. Try to stay strong. Seeing you fighting and winning this battle will help your daughter know she has your strength to fight her battle over drugs. Hugs to you**

  2. Keep on fighting if for no other reason than to show your daughter your strength and if you can fight, so can she!! Prayers and hugs

  3. I have been thinking about you alot lately. Yesterday I almost emailed you. then, for some reason, I didn’t. I think I just didn’t want to intrude, that sounds weird though doesn’t it?

    Then, I felt last night like one of those “they ALMOST helped” commercials.

    Today I awoke with certainty that I would, in fact, email you.

    And here, on my start page, was the link that said you had updated your blog.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. This is an absolutely terrifying thing you are going through.

  4. Hugs and lots of prayer to you lady. I keep to checking to see if you have updated anything and was starting to worry about you. So I am glad that you are ok. Well as ok as you can be. Guess you never really know how many lives you touch, but I feel like you are a part of mine. Hang in there and like I said my prayers are with you.

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