I hadn’t been getting very many comments……so I was away for a few days, because nothing different was really happening with my daughter. Same shit……different day!!! Same old, same old……you know the story! Anyway…..I logged on here and I had 9 comments. Thank you…..to all of you who came over here from the other blogs, to try and help me out. I appreciate it so much….you have NO idea. This has really been hard for me to deal with. And I’m still having a very hard time dealing with it.
Let me go into a little bit of detail about where I was……and where I am today. Which is not a lot different…..but anyway…..here goes.
About a month ago….I was having some major problems with my nerves. Some of it was hormonal……MENOPAUSE IS WONDERFUL (NOT!!!). And some of it was just trying to deal with my daughter’s addiction and worrying about her and my two grandchildren. At the time she was using……a LOT. I didn’t know this. Well….she came over one Friday in tears. Telling me that she had spent some of her boyfriends money and if she didn’t get it back in his pocket before he found out……he would explode on her. I asked her how much and she said $130.00. She wanted ME to give her the money. I told her I couldn’t…..and I wouldn’t. Little by little…..her mood changed and she went from crying, to screaming at me. I told her several times to leave….which she didn’t. The whole time she was yelling at me, my 16 month old grand-daughter was sitting very still and very quiet in a chair, sucking her thumb. The look in her eyes….I will never EVER forget. It hurt my heart so badly!!! I told my daughter that I had to go get a shower and get ready for work. She went to the bottom of the stairs and blocked the stairs so I couldn’t go up them. I finally moved her out of the way and she followed me up the stairs. I took off my clothes…..as she stood yelling at me…..and got into the shower and just tried to ignore her. She was yelling so loud….and finally she tore the shower curtain open and pointed her finger at me and said “YOU WILL GIVE ME THE MONEY” At that point…..I told her if she didn’t leave……I was calling the police when I got out of the shower. She got the kids and left.
After I got out of the shower…..I came downstairs…..and totally fell apart. I really wanted to die. Because to me…..death was much easier than dealing with the pain of watching my daughter SLOWLY killing herself. AND…..the pain of seeing the look on my grand-daughter’s face. I cried continuously for 3 days….only stopping while I was sleeping. My husband kept me knocked out as much as possible, because he didn’t know what else to do, I wouldn’t agree to go to the hospital. Finally on Monday….I agreed that I had to get some help. Every time I closed my eyes…..I had images of me….with a gun to my head, or a handful of pills, or wondering which way would be the least painful, or the fastest. Or imagining myself in the bathtub, slitting my wrist in there so I wouldn’t make a big mess everywhere. I KNEW if I didn’t get help……I was gonna die.
When I walked into the Mental Health Clinic…..they took me straight back to see someone. He suggested I either check myself into the hospital, or go to a halfway house where someone could talk to me at any time, and they could watch me so I didn’t do something stupid. So I chose to go to the halfway house. The first 2 days I wouldn’t even accept a phone call from anyone except my husband. By the second evening….I called my daughter. She and I talked for a very long time. She was very sorry for pushing me this far…….and I know in my heart she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me, but I don’t know how to deal with an addict. I thought all I had to do was love her enough, and that would make her all better. It just doesn’t work that way……and I found this out the hard way.
I stayed in this house for 3 days…….and it did me a world of good. It got me away from EVERYONE. It gave me time to myself to just think through everything that had happened, AND I could talk to counselors at any time….about anything that was bothering me.
I still have such a long way to go. I still have a problem understanding my daughter’s addiction. I still in some respects blame myself for her addiction. I still beat myself up over and over for not being a more constant figure in her life. I thought I was doing much better than I actually am!
I pray I never go back to where I was that day. Unfortunately, I have been having those jumpy, jittery feelings in my chest that I had for weeks before my breakdown.
THAT…..scares the shit out of me!!!