Praise You In The Storm…

This song means so much to me.  Not only do I feel I’m in a storm….I feel at times my ship is about to sink!

Thanks to those of you who have sent me messages of hope and prayers…….



Published in: on October 13, 2008 at 4:42 pm  Comments (1)  

Wating for the hair to fall…..ugh

Well……from what I understand….my hair should start falling out any day now.  I am SO not wanting that to happen.  I was a hairdresser… HAIR is my thing.  I’ve had mine colored  and cut more times than I even care to think about.  The thought of having NO hair…..just puts me into a panic. 

But I have no choice in this matter.  I guess it just happens…with the kind of chemo I am on. 

Will let ya know when I’m totally bald……. 😦

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Published in: on October 7, 2008 at 11:44 am  Comments (1)  


I started another blog about my breast cancer……but decided to just keep this one, because right now…things are going great with my daughter.  She hasn’t used drugs as far as I know since I found out I have breast cancer.  One of the things I told her……was if having cancer meant she would stop using…….it was WELL worth it to me.  I would gladly take it…….and I truly mean that!!

I started my chemo last week……on Weds.   I couldn’t have been more terrified if I had been in prison getting a lethal injection.   Because in my heart………that’s what it felt like.  I knew once the chemicals started dripping in my veins…….life as I knew it then……would NEVER be the same.  And it won’t be…

I started to cry…….as I watched each drop come out of the the bottle.  At one point…….I wanted to jerk the IV out and run out the door and say NOOOOO……I can’t do this!!!!   But I also knew I had no choice.  I was given no hope for survival if I didn’t get the chemo.  So this was not a choice…….it was a necessity.  Still……it was the scariest thing I think I have ever done.  I started having a panic attack about 10 mins into the infusion.  I sent my husband out to get the nurse because I felt sure I was having an allergic reaction to the drug……..nothing like a panic attack to zap you back to reality.  I literally had to MAKE myself calm down.  Thank God I took my laptop with me to get my mind off of what was going on.  Well at least it helped.

The whole thing took a little over 6 hours……I was never soooo glad to get out of any place in my life.  I came home…….and cried again.  It’s really such a weird feeling that I was having.   In so many ways…….I felt VIOLATED.  Again……I knew life was never gonna be the same for me……and there was no guarantee that I would benefit from putting these toxins in my body.   But again….I had no choice……I had to do it.   For my children… husband……my grandchildren……friends and family……but most of all FOR ME.   I had to know in my heart I had done EVERYTHING I could do to stay alive.  Then if I died…….at least I fought…….and didn’t give up!

Most days I’m on an emotional roller coaster.  I’m crying as I type this……but in 30 mins I could be laughing.   Guess that’s the joys of cancer…… RIPS you of sooo many things.

My next treatment will be on the 15th of October.  I’m already dreading it……but the good Lord will sit right there with me through that one too…….cause he promised he would not forsake us!!!!!!!!



Published in: on October 3, 2008 at 6:40 pm  Comments (4)  

Something to ponder…

Malachi 3:3 says: ‘He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.’

This verse puzzled some women
in a Bible study and they
wondered what this statement
meant about the character and
nature of God.

One of the women offered to
find out the process of refining
silver and get back to the group
at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an
appointment to watch him at
work. She didn’t mention
anything about the reason for
her interest beyond her curiosity
about the process of refining

As she watched the silversmith,
he held a piece of silver over
the fire and let it heat up. He
explained that in refining silver,
one needed to hold the silver in
the middle of the fire where
the flames were hottest as to
burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot;
then she thought again about
the verse that says: ‘He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.’
She asked the silversmith if it
was true that he had to s it there
in front of the fire the whole

The man answered that yes, he
not only had to sit there holding
the silver, but he had to keep
his eyes on the silver the entire
time it was in the fire. If the silver
was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a
moment. Then she asked the silversmith, ‘How do you know
when the silver is fully refined?’

He smiled at her and answered,
‘Oh, that’s easy — when I see
my image in it.’

If today you are feeling the heat
of the fire , remember that God
has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His
image in you.

Pass this on right
now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is
watching over them.

And, whatever they’re going
through, they’ll be a better
person in the end.

‘Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can
only spend it once.’

Published in: on August 28, 2008 at 7:52 pm  Comments (2)  

I have cancer… :(

I know the Lord says he will not put more on us that we can bear….so I have to trust in him that he won’t.

I found out this week I have breast cancer.  I probably won’t be here much…but plan on starting a blog to just write about my cancer and the struggles with that.  I’m supposed to have a bone scan Monday…then a CAT scan on Tues. to see if the cancer has spread.  I pray to GOD it hasn’t.  I have so much to live for…..

It’s kind of ironic…this time last year I was in a suicide crisis unit.  Didn’t really care if I lived or died.  Now I’m wishing with everything in me I didn’t have this horrible disease.  I want to live…..and now I may have no choice.  Amazing huh……

My daughter is handling this much better than I thought she would.  I was so afraid she would go get high…..because of this…….but I don’t think she has.  I pray to God….if I only had one prayer…it would be for her to get off those stupid drugs and never go back on them again.  I would gladly lay down MY LIFE….for her!!!!

I’m not going to question God…..he knows my future……not me.  I’m just thankful he allowed me to wake up this morning……and trust he will be with me during this long battle with this horrible disease that has NO MERCY!!!!!!!



Published in: on August 2, 2008 at 1:12 pm  Comments (11)  

Been a WHILE….sorry!

Wow…so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess…first things first.

My daughter was at my house on June 10th.  I suspected she was high, but of course she denied it.  Her pupils were very small and she was sluggish….which is always her giveaway.   She asked me for $5.00 to get some gas so she could get home.   I gave it to her.  I know….that’s breaking one of the commandments, but it was ONLY $5.00……dummy me!

She left my house at around 4 pm.  I got a phone call around 5:30 that she had been in a car accident.  The guy on the other end identified himself as a utility worker that had come upon the wreck and she had asked him to call me..

She had rolled her jeep twice and ended up in a creek upside down.  SHE said she was avoiding an animal that was crossing the road.  There was an off duty cop following her that said she swerved off the road (nodded off) and over corrected and went all the way across the road to the other side……over corrected there……then started the rolling.  She had NO seatbelt on……and all she got was two broken ribs.

I went to the hospital.  When I got there….they wouldn’t allow me in where she was….which I thought was strange.  I now know….WHY!!!   There was a police officer there….and they were questioning her.  Of course she was lying…..and telling them she was dodging an animal.  The cop just looked at me and said….if she weren’t injured, she would be on her way to jail.   They got her for a DUI and possiesion of drug parenphernalia.  She has to go to court August 13th….and I’m hoping they send her to a 90 day rehab.   SOMETHING has to happen or she will never change.

She ended up HERE…..that night…..although she didn’t want to be here….she had no place else to go.   Her boyfriend had brought all her things and put them in my car, once he found out what had happened and that drugs were involved.   She stayed here one night and ended up at her ex boyfriends who has her son (hope I’m not losing any of you….it’s complicated).  She talked and talked about how she was gonna go to the Methadone clinic and she wanted to be with her little boy and she wanted her family back…..and blah blah blah bullshit!!!!!!!!!   She did attempt to take care of her son…..and show the world she was capable of doing it.  That lasted for a week and a half and she went BACK to the boyfriend that put her clothes in my car and she left her son and her ex boyfriend.  Ok…..pretty sure you are lost by this point!!!  lol

The next day…….her son walked around yelling for his mommy……..and I was PISSED to no end at what she had done to him.  It’s one thing to mess with the ex and make him believe her……it’s ANOTHER to mess with my grandson…..who didn’t even ask to be born.

I have not heard from her in a week.

I found a lump in my breast that they say looks “suspicious”.  I went for a MRI on it….but something happened and they couldn’t finish it so I have to go back on the 22nd of July.  She hasn’t even called to check on me.  And she knew I was going for the MRI.

She is just wrapped up in herself…….and to HELL with everyone else!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok….done ranting now…..feel better!!!

Published in: on June 30, 2008 at 6:52 pm  Comments (4)  

The calm….I’ll take it!!!

FINALLY things are calm in my crazy world.  Whew….a breather.  What a BLESSING!  My daughter is off drugs….hopefully for good.  She is taking Suboxone right now….and it is working very well.  She still doesn’t have her children….but they are fine where they are. 

The last time I wrote anything…it was almost time for the court date to determine what would happen to her kids.  Her daughter is still with the family that has had her for almost a year.  She is just blossoming…..very smart little girl.  Doing and saying something different every day!

Her son is with his father and doing very well too.   He just had a birthday on Sunday.  He was a year old….and just took his first steps last week.  He’s such a doll baby….a big CHUNK!!!  Last I heard he weighs 34 pounds…loves to eat….lolol.  That’s my BOY!! 

I’m not sure how long this will last.  But in this family…I take every SECOND of piece and tranquility!!!  God knows I don’t get many….

Just wanted to touch base with all of you and let you know what was goin on in my life.

Thanks……and lots of hugs to you.

Published in: on May 20, 2008 at 8:39 am  Comments (7)  

I hope you dance…..

I meant to add ths song in the last post….but decided to just put it here instead.  This song… such a beautiful song…..and it’s one that I used to sing to my daughter years ago when it first came out.  I still have ALLLL of these hopes and dreams for her.  I hope she just realizes them before it’s too late!!!

Published in: on March 8, 2008 at 6:42 pm  Comments (1)  

She wrote this…….

I go pretty often to a website that I have bookmarked here called Oxycontin Awareness.   It is plastered with story after story of  the HELL the drug Oxycontin has put individuals and families through.  But worse yet….of the many deaths caused by this drug!!!!!   I try not to stay there for a long period of time….because it gets too painful after I read for a while.  Just knowing that my daughter is ONE pill away from being a death listed there… too much to cope with!!!
While I was there today……I found this.  I had given my daughter the website address and had asked her to go there and just READ.  I didn’t really think she would…..but she did.  And this is what she had to say:

“Hello, My name is Kara..and I am a recovering addict to this horrible drug OxyContin. I just want to tell everyone out there that this drug is NO JOKE!! I have lost so much from my addiction. My children are the most important thing Ive lost, but most of all I almost lost my LIFE! I started using this drug just every now and then, then it became a everyday..two to three times a day sometimes more. Its all I ever thought about. I always would look down on people who used needles. Said I would NEVER do such a thing..WELL I DID! After I started using that way, I got out of control! I lost my children. I lost my home, my car. I lost EVERYTHING and everyone around me. But at the time I didn’t care, I only cared about one thing, and one thing only. My next high! Not to long after I started using a IV I got a really big knot on my lower arm…Looked almost like I had broken it! and thats what I told my family “I think I broke my arm!” Well what they didn’t know, was that was from me shooting up! I got a staph infection and had to have it lanced! It was one of the most painful things Ive been thru. After that happened I swore up and down I was NEVER doing that again. Well I lied. To everyone around me and to myself. It got WORSE! Not long after that I was admitted into the hospital with this “un-known” infection in my kidneys. I honestly thought I was going to die. I was in so much pain I could hardly move! I was in there for 5 days. On VERY powerful meds to get this out of my system. I finally got better. But I wasn’t better at all. I have been down this road struggling with addiction for the past 4 years. I knew If I didn’t do something I was going to die. I would go visit my Mom and she would just look at me and cry, she would say “Sweetie you look awful, are you eating?” or “Kara if you don’t stop what your doing your going to die”. So I listened. This hasn’t been easy, But I’m doing it. Me seeing my children, in another home. Not with their mother, KILLS ME! I know they are in a better place, They are with friends of mine and my moms. Going to church. Learning so much! But it still hurts! Hurts that they are not with ME! I am working at it. My kids are my hope. Everyday I want to use, I think of my kids! They need me, and at the rate I was going, I wasn’t going to be around for them at all..another thing that keeps me clean is I have recently started a online support group for Recovery/Addiction for Single Mothers! I haven’t had it long, But being involved in something like this really helps keep my mind where its supposed to be! So anyone interested fill free to join! Its on YAHOO GROUPS and its called recovery_singlemothers. I would love to hear from you! I want everyone out there that is reading this to know I understand what your going thru. I have been there. I just want you to know there is help. You just cant be afraid to ask for it!!! Kara!”

Maybe I shouldn’t have copied and pasted it here……..but I wanted those of you who read regularly to see it……and maybe have some kind of input.
Everything with my grandchildren is still up in the air.  I thought things with my granddaughter were all settled…….but the father filed something in court to stop the people who have her from getting custody of her.  So now…….on April 3rd…….BOTH of my grandchildren’s fate will be up for grabs.  With a judge that has to make a decision as to what happens to both of them.  My granddaughter’s father has only seen her 3 times in 2 years……..very caring…….huh!!!!!
It’s just ONE HUGE MESS………..TAHITI does sound good bout right now!

Published in: on March 8, 2008 at 6:12 pm  Comments (4)  

Stupid SHIT!!!!

I am soooo angry……have been since last night!!!   I know this blog says MOTHERTOANADDICT……but I’m also the wife of an ALCOHOLIC!!!  Aren’t I just SOOO lucky……not one…..but TWO addicts in my family.  And I wonder why I’m about to lose my mind……pfffft!!!  Who wouldn’t???????

I came home last night……and found my husband drunk…..and mouthy which is the way he gets when he’s drunk.  Had such a stressful day at work….then come home to THAT!!!  Yaaaaay ME!!!!!!  I’m so lucky.  He finally got mad at me and went upstairs.  I stayed downstairs and sang a song on my karaoke site.  My stress reliever site!!!!  Went upstairs around 10:30 and he was listening to Rod Stewart on the computer… he didn’t even hear me come in the bedroom.  I climbed in bed……and about 30 mins later…..he was goin out the bedroom door and I asked him where he was going.  I’m terrified when he gets drunk he will get in the car and drive to get more alcohol!!!  He finally saw me laying there and asked how long I had been there.  I told him…….and I could tell he wanted to “talk” some more.  I finally just went to sleep……..PISS on it!!!! 

He’s still sleeping this morning……….there will be a huge argument when he wakes up!!!!  I’m tired of this!!!!!

My daughter…..well last night she showed me her wrist……that is swollen and I’m sure infected…..where she used a dirty needle no doubt.  This happened once before…..and she had to go to the ER and get it lanced…..and was on antibiotics!!! 

It NEVER EVER ends around here.  And people wonder why there are days I wish I was DEAD??????????   hahahaha…….funny!!!!!

 Ok……done ranting!!!!


Published in: on February 16, 2008 at 10:05 am  Comments (7)