Another day….blah, blah, blah!

She started her new job on Monday…….and left work early yesterday because she had a migraine. Her kids have been with her boss for 5 days now. You have no idea how much this worries me. She wants to be a mom……but she needs a break. That’s what she told me last night when I confronted her about leaving the kids so much. THEY need her……especially her oldest. She is very clingy right now…and she loves her mommy. It just breaks my heart, but I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday morning, she came bolting through the door and informed me that I would be babysitting because she didn’t have time to take the kids to daycare. My husband informed her that we couldn’t because we had things to do. I don’t mind at all watching my grandkids…..I love them. But if I give my daughter an inch……she will take a mile, and I will be babysitting every day that I have off. I can’t mentally or physically do that. I wish I could. I would love nothing more than to have those two as much as possible, but I just can’t……..not right now, anyway. If it came down to me taking custody of them, then I would do that, because I would have to. They need stability and God knows they don’t have it right now. I just keep hoping that she will see the light soon and straighten her ass out!!!

She met a new guy. I’ve talked to this guy a couple of times and he seems very nice. Not sure what he will do when he sees her explode into one of her rages. It takes a very good person to put up with her behavior when she gets like that. I’m thinking he won’t tolerate it for a second.

I swear I feel like I’m living in a soap opera most of the time around here……it’s sad!!!

The new job

She started a new job today.   I hope with everything in me that she works hard and everything goes good for her.   I am worried, tho.  She will be around money…..lots of money.   With her….money is a trigger.   It means the ability to buy drugs.   Even tho this is NOT her money, I’m still afraid she will take it to buy drugs.   This means going to jail if she takes it.   She has to learn…..she has to be independent.   She has to learn to support herself and  her kids.   There’s only so much I can do at this point!!!

Yesterday

I started this once…..and deleted it.   There was so much that happened yesterday, I can only remember half of it.   The police were called on my daughter two different times.   Once by her ex-landlord, because she was at her old house where her boyfriend still lives…….and the other time by her……on my husband.   He had locked her out of the house because she was in such a rage…..so she thought by calling them they would come and help HER.   Well it backfired.   When they got here, and they talked to my husband…….he told them about everything that had happened earlier……her being in a rage the whole morning…….her chasing me in my car down the highway……and just being totally out of control.  The police officer told her if she were HIS daughter, she would be out on the streets, and her children would be taken.   He lectured her for a very long time while he was here.  It seems to have helped, but we will see.

My husband did find out by making some phone calls…….that we could file a CPO on her and I would get temporary custody of my grandchildren.   If her behavior continues to be like it was yesterday…..that is exactly what we are going to do.   She was so out of control……I have never seen her like that.

She is taking a new medicine for bi-polar disorder.   One of the rare side effects is RAGE.   I told her she should call the Dr. and talk to him about all of this.  Not sure if that’s what caused it, or if it’s just the way she wanted to be yesterday.   Either way….I won’t tolerate it any more.

Wow…..

I hadn’t been getting very many comments……so I was away for a few days, because nothing different was really happening with my daughter. Same shit……different day!!! Same old, same old……you know the story! Anyway…..I logged on here and I had 9 comments. Thank you…..to all of you who came over here from the other blogs, to try and help me out. I appreciate it so much….you have NO idea. This has really been hard for me to deal with. And I’m still having a very hard time dealing with it.

Let me go into a little bit of detail about where I was……and where I am today. Which is not a lot different…..but anyway…..here goes.

About a month ago….I was having some major problems with my nerves. Some of it was hormonal……MENOPAUSE IS WONDERFUL (NOT!!!). And some of it was just trying to deal with my daughter’s addiction and worrying about her and my two grandchildren. At the time she was using……a LOT. I didn’t know this. Well….she came over one Friday in tears. Telling me that she had spent some of her boyfriends money and if she didn’t get it back in his pocket before he found out……he would explode on her. I asked her how much and she said $130.00. She wanted ME to give her the money. I told her I couldn’t…..and I wouldn’t. Little by little…..her mood changed and she went from crying, to screaming at me. I told her several times to leave….which she didn’t. The whole time she was yelling at me, my 16 month old grand-daughter was sitting very still and very quiet in a chair, sucking her thumb. The look in her eyes….I will never EVER forget. It hurt my heart so badly!!! I told my daughter that I had to go get a shower and get ready for work. She went to the bottom of the stairs and blocked the stairs so I couldn’t go up them. I finally moved her out of the way and she followed me up the stairs. I took off my clothes…..as she stood yelling at me…..and got into the shower and just tried to ignore her. She was yelling so loud….and finally she tore the shower curtain open and pointed her finger at me and said “YOU WILL GIVE ME THE MONEY” At that point…..I told her if she didn’t leave……I was calling the police when I got out of the shower. She got the kids and left.

After I got out of the shower…..I came downstairs…..and totally fell apart. I really wanted to die. Because to me…..death was much easier than dealing with the pain of watching my daughter SLOWLY killing herself. AND…..the pain of seeing the look on my grand-daughter’s face. I cried continuously for 3 days….only stopping while I was sleeping. My husband kept me knocked out as much as possible, because he didn’t know what else to do, I wouldn’t agree to go to the hospital. Finally on Monday….I agreed that I had to get some help. Every time I closed my eyes…..I had images of me….with a gun to my head, or a handful of pills, or wondering which way would be the least painful, or the fastest. Or imagining myself in the bathtub, slitting my wrist in there so I wouldn’t make a big mess everywhere. I KNEW if I didn’t get help……I was gonna die.

When I walked into the Mental Health Clinic…..they took me straight back to see someone. He suggested I either check myself into the hospital, or go to a halfway house where someone could talk to me at any time, and they could watch me so I didn’t do something stupid. So I chose to go to the halfway house. The first 2 days I wouldn’t even accept a phone call from anyone except my husband. By the second evening….I called my daughter. She and I talked for a very long time. She was very sorry for pushing me this far…….and I know in my heart she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me, but I don’t know how to deal with an addict. I thought all I had to do was love her enough, and that would make her all better. It just doesn’t work that way……and I found this out the hard way.

I stayed in this house for 3 days…….and it did me a world of good. It got me away from EVERYONE. It gave me time to myself to just think through everything that had happened, AND I could talk to counselors at any time….about anything that was bothering me.

I still have such a long way to go. I still have a problem understanding my daughter’s addiction. I still in some respects blame myself for her addiction. I still beat myself up over and over for not being a more constant figure in her life.   I thought I was doing much better than I actually am!

I pray I never go back to where I was that day. Unfortunately, I have been having those jumpy, jittery feelings in my chest that I had for weeks before my breakdown.

THAT…..scares the shit out of me!!!

She lied….

She told me she needed $25.00 for a background check so she could get an apartment.   I didn’t trust her with the money….so I went with her.   I sat in the car while she went in to have it done.  She came back out and said they were gonna fax it to the apartment complex…..which is why she didn’t have a copy of it.  This was HER story.  I felt like she was lying to me…..so I called the Sheriff’s office and acted like I was looking for her.   I asked them if she had been in there…..they said she was….but that she said she didn’t have enough cash ($6.00) and she would have to go to the bank.   Guess what?   I got swindled out of $25.00.   She still has it…..and no background check.   I am SOOOO pissed right now…..I could chew nails.   When am I EVER gonna catch on to her LIES????   I thought by going with her…that she would use the money for what she was supposed to.  Nope……I sat in the car……and she didn’t even get one done.

And believe me…..she will hear about it when she comes home!!!!   I’m so tired of the shit……I could just PUKE!!!

Day two out of detox…

Some of you may wonder why I’m so obsessed with writing about my daughter’s drug addiction.   I love her……that’s why.   And by writing it all out…..it gets the pain out of my head and heart, and on to here.   This really helps me so much.

I will  say this much.   Having her living with me right now is a good thing.   I KNOW she is alive.   I KNOW my two grandchildren are ok……because any time I wanna check on them, all I have to do is turn around and look for myself.   I know in my head she needs to be out on her own,  but my heart tells me to help her through all of this and support her attempt to stay clean.   If that means she stays here for the rest of her life….then so be it.

When I say she is very fragile right now…….that is an understatement!!!   When they released her from detox yesterday…..she was so nervous….she was shaking.   She didn’t want to come out of there, because she knew it would mean that she would be facing her demons.   The demons of addiction!!!   Sure enough….by yesterday afternoon…..she wanted to get high.   She told me this….which meant that instead of doing it….she wanted to talk about it.   I was very proud of her for that.   She stayed clean yesterday!!!

One day at a time…..that’s all she can do.

Update for today.

Well he didn’t succeed with the quest for emergency custody. Children’s services said as long as she was TRYING to get help, there was nothing that he could do….as far as taking his son from her.

She was released from the detox center today, and as I’m typing this…..she has gone to an NA meeting. She had someone from the hospital call and let me know that she was there for the meeting…….this is a BIG start for her.

I had a long talk with her today and told her I loved her more than my life…….and I would enjoy SOOOO much having her clean and off drugs. I want my daughter back, and I know her children want their mother back as well………..

Why does life have to be so hard….

I just got a phone call from my daughter’s boyfriend.    Well maybe I should say ex-boyfriend as of now.   He is the father of my daughter’s baby that is 2 months old.   He told me he was going down to Children’s Services tomorrow to file for emergency custody of his son.   When my daughter finds this out……I can’t even IMAGINE what this is gonna do to her.  Her kids……..are the only reason she keeps on living.  Her 17 month old daughter doesn’t have the same father that her son has.  Her father has only seen her 3 times since she was born.   It is just such a HUGE MESS.   Not only do I worry what my daughter will do to herself when she finds out that he has filed for custody…….it means that her children will be separated.   This is just tearing my heart out right now.

On a brighter note…..maybe if Children’s Services gets involved……she will try to stay clean so her daughter won’t be taken away, too.

I know one thing…..this is one of the worst things I’ve even experienced in my life!!!

Well here goes…..

Twenty one years ago….I gave birth to the most precious, beautiful little girl you could imagine.

Today….that little girl is an addict.

How did this happen? I have asked this question so many times, and for YEARS I blamed myself. If I had been a better mom…..if I had given her more support…..if I had been there more for her….if I hadn’t divorced her alcoholic father. So many things were going through my head, because as parents…..we do a lot of self blaming.

Not until I went to a loved one’s group for families of addicts….did I understand addiction. At that point…I stopped blaming me, and putting so much guilt on myself. It really wasn’t my fault. I did nothing wrong. I loved her. I tried to be the best mother I could….or at least the mother I knew HOW to be.

Fast forward to today…….

At this time, my daughter is in detox in a hospital about 30 mins from me. She recently graduated from snorting Oxycontins to shooting them into her veins. Yesterday….she went into a rage that was so bad she rammed her boyfriend’s car with MY car. Luckily she didn’t hurt either car or him.

She has two children…..a 16 month old daughter….and a 2 month old son. I’m not sure at this point where they were while all of this was going on. But now, I’m faced with some decisions. I know in my heart, if she continues on this path…..she will die. I also know…..if she continues her destructive behavior….I will take custody of her children. I can’t allow them to be subjected to this any more.

Will post more….later!