Been a WHILE….sorry!

Wow…so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess…first things first.

My daughter was at my house on June 10th.  I suspected she was high, but of course she denied it.  Her pupils were very small and she was sluggish….which is always her giveaway.   She asked me for $5.00 to get some gas so she could get home.   I gave it to her.  I know….that’s breaking one of the commandments, but it was ONLY $5.00……dummy me!

She left my house at around 4 pm.  I got a phone call around 5:30 that she had been in a car accident.  The guy on the other end identified himself as a utility worker that had come upon the wreck and she had asked him to call me..

She had rolled her jeep twice and ended up in a creek upside down.  SHE said she was avoiding an animal that was crossing the road.  There was an off duty cop following her that said she swerved off the road (nodded off) and over corrected and went all the way across the road to the other side……over corrected there……then started the rolling.  She had NO seatbelt on……and all she got was two broken ribs.

I went to the hospital.  When I got there….they wouldn’t allow me in where she was….which I thought was strange.  I now know….WHY!!!   There was a police officer there….and they were questioning her.  Of course she was lying…..and telling them she was dodging an animal.  The cop just looked at me and said….if she weren’t injured, she would be on her way to jail.   They got her for a DUI and possiesion of drug parenphernalia.  She has to go to court August 13th….and I’m hoping they send her to a 90 day rehab.   SOMETHING has to happen or she will never change.

She ended up HERE…..that night…..although she didn’t want to be here….she had no place else to go.   Her boyfriend had brought all her things and put them in my car, once he found out what had happened and that drugs were involved.   She stayed here one night and ended up at her ex boyfriends who has her son (hope I’m not losing any of you….it’s complicated).  She talked and talked about how she was gonna go to the Methadone clinic and she wanted to be with her little boy and she wanted her family back…..and blah blah blah bullshit!!!!!!!!!   She did attempt to take care of her son…..and show the world she was capable of doing it.  That lasted for a week and a half and she went BACK to the boyfriend that put her clothes in my car and she left her son and her ex boyfriend.  Ok…..pretty sure you are lost by this point!!!  lol

The next day…….her son walked around yelling for his mommy……..and I was PISSED to no end at what she had done to him.  It’s one thing to mess with the ex and make him believe her……it’s ANOTHER to mess with my grandson…..who didn’t even ask to be born.

I have not heard from her in a week.

I found a lump in my breast that they say looks “suspicious”.  I went for a MRI on it….but something happened and they couldn’t finish it so I have to go back on the 22nd of July.  She hasn’t even called to check on me.  And she knew I was going for the MRI.

She is just wrapped up in herself…….and to HELL with everyone else!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok….done ranting now…..feel better!!!

The calm….I’ll take it!!!

FINALLY things are calm in my crazy world.  Whew….a breather.  What a BLESSING!  My daughter is off drugs….hopefully for good.  She is taking Suboxone right now….and it is working very well.  She still doesn’t have her children….but they are fine where they are. 

The last time I wrote anything…it was almost time for the court date to determine what would happen to her kids.  Her daughter is still with the family that has had her for almost a year.  She is just blossoming…..very smart little girl.  Doing and saying something different every day!

Her son is with his father and doing very well too.   He just had a birthday on Sunday.  He was a year old….and just took his first steps last week.  He’s such a doll baby….a big CHUNK!!!  Last I heard he weighs 34 pounds…loves to eat….lolol.  That’s my BOY!! 

I’m not sure how long this will last.  But in this family…I take every SECOND of piece and tranquility!!!  God knows I don’t get many….

Just wanted to touch base with all of you and let you know what was goin on in my life.

Thanks……and lots of hugs to you.

I hope you dance…..

I meant to add ths song in the last post….but decided to just put it here instead.  This song…..is such a beautiful song…..and it’s one that I used to sing to my daughter years ago when it first came out.  I still have ALLLL of these hopes and dreams for her.  I hope she just realizes them before it’s too late!!!

She wrote this…….

I go pretty often to a website that I have bookmarked here called Oxycontin Awareness.   It is plastered with story after story of  the HELL the drug Oxycontin has put individuals and families through.  But worse yet….of the many deaths caused by this drug!!!!!   I try not to stay there for a long period of time….because it gets too painful after I read for a while.  Just knowing that my daughter is ONE pill away from being a death listed there…..is too much to cope with!!!
While I was there today……I found this.  I had given my daughter the website address and had asked her to go there and just READ.  I didn’t really think she would…..but she did.  And this is what she had to say:

“Hello, My name is Kara..and I am a recovering addict to this horrible drug OxyContin. I just want to tell everyone out there that this drug is NO JOKE!! I have lost so much from my addiction. My children are the most important thing Ive lost, but most of all I almost lost my LIFE! I started using this drug just every now and then, then it became a everyday..two to three times a day sometimes more. Its all I ever thought about. I always would look down on people who used needles. Said I would NEVER do such a thing..WELL I DID! After I started using that way, I got out of control! I lost my children. I lost my home, my car. I lost EVERYTHING and everyone around me. But at the time I didn’t care, I only cared about one thing, and one thing only. My next high! Not to long after I started using a IV I got a really big knot on my lower arm…Looked almost like I had broken it! and thats what I told my family “I think I broke my arm!” Well what they didn’t know, was that was from me shooting up! I got a staph infection and had to have it lanced! It was one of the most painful things Ive been thru. After that happened I swore up and down I was NEVER doing that again. Well I lied. To everyone around me and to myself. It got WORSE! Not long after that I was admitted into the hospital with this “un-known” infection in my kidneys. I honestly thought I was going to die. I was in so much pain I could hardly move! I was in there for 5 days. On VERY powerful meds to get this out of my system. I finally got better. But I wasn’t better at all. I have been down this road struggling with addiction for the past 4 years. I knew If I didn’t do something I was going to die. I would go visit my Mom and she would just look at me and cry, she would say “Sweetie you look awful, are you eating?” or “Kara if you don’t stop what your doing your going to die”. So I listened. This hasn’t been easy, But I’m doing it. Me seeing my children, in another home. Not with their mother, KILLS ME! I know they are in a better place, They are with friends of mine and my moms. Going to church. Learning so much! But it still hurts! Hurts that they are not with ME! I am working at it. My kids are my hope. Everyday I want to use, I think of my kids! They need me, and at the rate I was going, I wasn’t going to be around for them at all..another thing that keeps me clean is I have recently started a online support group for Recovery/Addiction for Single Mothers! I haven’t had it long, But being involved in something like this really helps keep my mind where its supposed to be! So anyone interested fill free to join! Its on YAHOO GROUPS and its called recovery_singlemothers. I would love to hear from you! I want everyone out there that is reading this to know I understand what your going thru. I have been there. I just want you to know there is help. You just cant be afraid to ask for it!!! Kara!”

Maybe I shouldn’t have copied and pasted it here……..but I wanted those of you who read regularly to see it……and maybe have some kind of input.
Everything with my grandchildren is still up in the air.  I thought things with my granddaughter were all settled…….but the father filed something in court to stop the people who have her from getting custody of her.  So now…….on April 3rd…….BOTH of my grandchildren’s fate will be up for grabs.  With a judge that has to make a decision as to what happens to both of them.  My granddaughter’s father has only seen her 3 times in 2 years……..very caring…….huh!!!!!
It’s just ONE HUGE MESS………..TAHITI does sound good bout right now!

Stupid SHIT!!!!

I am soooo angry……have been since last night!!!   I know this blog says MOTHERTOANADDICT……but I’m also the wife of an ALCOHOLIC!!!  Aren’t I just SOOO lucky……not one…..but TWO addicts in my family.  And I wonder why I’m about to lose my mind……pfffft!!!  Who wouldn’t???????

I came home last night……and found my husband drunk…..and mouthy which is the way he gets when he’s drunk.  Had such a stressful day at work….then come home to THAT!!!  Yaaaaay ME!!!!!!  I’m so lucky.  He finally got mad at me and went upstairs.  I stayed downstairs and sang a song on my karaoke site.  My stress reliever site!!!!  Went upstairs around 10:30 and he was listening to Rod Stewart on the computer…..so he didn’t even hear me come in the bedroom.  I climbed in bed……and about 30 mins later…..he was goin out the bedroom door and I asked him where he was going.  I’m terrified when he gets drunk he will get in the car and drive to get more alcohol!!!  He finally saw me laying there and asked how long I had been there.  I told him…….and I could tell he wanted to “talk” some more.  I finally just went to sleep……..PISS on it!!!! 

He’s still sleeping this morning……….there will be a huge argument when he wakes up!!!!  I’m tired of this!!!!!

My daughter…..well last night she showed me her wrist……that is swollen and I’m sure infected…..where she used a dirty needle no doubt.  This happened once before…..and she had to go to the ER and get it lanced…..and was on antibiotics!!! 

It NEVER EVER ends around here.  And people wonder why there are days I wish I was DEAD??????????   hahahaha…….funny!!!!!

 Ok……done ranting!!!!

hugssssssssss

Just SO tired….

Well…..here I am again!  

Seems as if I hardly ever have anything good to write about lately.  I try to stay positive…..and find all the good things in my life…..but other than me and my family are alive …..which is a wonderful thing……that’s about all that going good right now. 

Yesterday was the court hearing to determine the custody of my grandbabies.  I THOUGHT my grandaughter’s custody was in the bag….and all I had to worry about was  my grandson.  Boy was I WRONG……!!!!!!!! 

The judge kept my grandson with the family that has him.   His father gets visitation as well as my daughter.  I was really worried that he would be placed with his dad…..not that his dad is a bad person….but he likes his beer, and has been known to get very drunk……often!  He has also been known to drive with the kids in the car while drunk……which I only found out about AFTER the fact.  I was not happy…..to say the least! 

My grandaughter on the other hand…..was pretty much a done deal.  Her father had only seen her 3 times in her 2 short years.  Her grandmother had only seen her 2 times.  When my daughter and I got off the elevator at the courthouse, and walked around the corner, she said to me “Mom…..isn’t that Kayleigh’s other grandma?”  I looked at her and said NOooooo…..that wouldn’t be her.  They don’t care what happens to Kayleigh….if they did they would have made an effort to see her!!!  The more I looked at this woman….the more I was convinced it WAS the grandmother.  I got up and walked over to her and sat down and said to her “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???”  She said….we only found out about this on Weds…..and my son couldn’t get here in time…..so I’m here representing him!  I almost broke down right there.  I asked her WHY……WHY did he care?  He hadn’t seen Kayleigh or been a part of her life…….why all of a sudden is he showing interest in her.   I had to hold my daughter back…..she was ready to go at this woman.  The anger she had….was soooo bad that she was shaking so much I thought she was gonna pass out!   

The witnesses were are called into the courtroom.  I guess Kayleigh’s father is hiring an attorney.  I am  SCARED out of my wits.  Surely to GOD they would NOT give this little girl to a man that doesn’t even KNOW her……and that she has no idea who he is. 

So as of now…..they are scheduling a court date for the custody of Kayleigh.  

Yesterday…..my daughter talked to a Pastor…….about her life……the drug use, the children, her attempted suicide the night before that I had NO CLUE about, getting her life straightened out, reaching out to God for help…….and most importantly being a MOTHER to her children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so happy to hear her say those things.  She has lost everything.  Her kids…..her car…..her job…..everything that mattered to her.  I pray this is what it takes for her to change!!!!!!  God how I pray this……….

Til next time…..I will try to stay in closer contact with you all so you will know what is going on!

Genia

Good morning!

Hi all!  

Very sorry for not being around more.  Things are about the same as they were, except for the fact that my grandaughter is now in the custody of the family that has her.  Since her biological father didn’t contest the custody…..it was granted to them within a 3 week period.  She is doing WONDERFULLY!!!   They are a fantastic family with 4 other kids.  The difference in her is remarkable!!!!  She is no longer a little shy thing that goes off in a corner when people raise their voices.  Now she is a little social butterfly…..lol.  Talks non stop and is happy and healthy and LOVES to sing……sooooo cute!!!  I still can see her most anytime I want.  And when she knows she is coming to my house she gets all excited cause she knows she’s gonna see her Mamaw and Papaw!!!!

My grandson is still with the people that had him……except his biological father is fighting for custody of him.  In a normal circumstance…..I would say that he needs to be with him.  But he is FAR better off with the family that has him right now.  His dad has lots of problems…..one of them is drinking.  Is he capable of taking care of him?  Yes……but not in a way that he should be taken care of.  Which is what he is getting with the family he is with right now. 

My daughter……I think she is doing just a little better.   I’m not sure about the drug use…..because I could rarely tell before when she was using unless she was nodding out.  She says she is not using……but she’s said that to me before……so I don’t know for sure.  She wants her babies back……but I told her just last night…..her babies deserve all that life has to offer them, and right now……she can’t give them that.  She can’t even take care of herself……so how is she supposed to take care of them?

I have finally came to terms with the fact that my grandchildren are with two different families.  There are still days I have LOTS of guilt for not having them with me.  But I know in my heart…..they are far better off right where they are.  At least this way…..I can be their grandmother and not their mother.  Which is the way it is supposed to be! 

The depression has it’s days.  Lately I have been a little scared because those bad thoughts have been flooding my head.  The ones that I had in July……..that put me in a suicide crisis unit.  I truly hope and pray this is just a temporary thing with me and that it won’t get worse. 

Hugs to you all…….and thanks for reading and for your support!!!

Genia

I’m here…..

Some of you who know me know that when I get really depressed….and stressed….I don’t talk much.   I more or less withdrawl from everything.  

Lately I have been very stressed and worried.   My daughter is now shooting drugs.  She is getting ready to lose custody of her two kids to a family that has had them for the last 4 months.  I would love nothing more than to have them BOTH….but I know I can’t take care of them the way they should be taken care of.   Mentally, emotionally and physically…..I’m just not able to right now.  This family that has them….takes such good care of them.   My grandaughter went from being very withdrawn and clingy……to this bubbly….cheerful….talkative little girl.  SOOOO much difference in both of them.   HOW can this be a bad thing???   And I pretty much get to see them whenever I want to.

Until she can get her head out of her ass…….and get the help she needs so desperately…..this is the best thing……for them all!!!!

 Thanks for the concern….and caring!!!

Hugs…….

Scary shit….

My daughter was hospitalized on Saturday.   She was VERY sick.   She was having horrible pain in the left middle section of her stomach.   They put her in the hospital to run some tests on her and for observation.   The pain killer they were giving her wasn’t even touching the pain.   Why…some of you may ask?   Because her tolerance to pain meds is so high due to her drug abuse.  I’ve never seen anyone in that much pain in my life.  It broke my heart that I couldn’t do anything to help her.   An Infectious Disease Specialist came in yesterday and told us she had E-coli in her kidneys.   And had she waited even a few hours longer to come to the hospital……her kidneys would have shut down.  They gave her some high powered anti-biotics and when I spoke with her this morning….she was feeling better.  She said she was very sore….but the pain had eased off tremendously.   I thank God for being with her…..and healing her.   I found out by doing some research on my computer that E-coli can be fatal……if it isn’t treated.

I have my granddaughter today……YAAAAAY!!!   She is so precious……she’s talking now.  She was very happy to see me this morning.  Held out her little arms and said MAMAW!!!

Til next time…..hugs to you all!!!

Monday, Monday…….

I know…..I’ve been a little quiet lately.  It’s just that not EVERY day something happens.  I’ll take quiet ANY day to the drama that I have had recently.

Daughter update:

She still has a job…..not sure how….but she does.   She has missed more work than she has worked.   I just don’t know how she does it.

The babies are still with her boss.  Who is doing a wonderful job taking care of them.  I’m glad my daughter has someone willing to do that for her.  I wish….I could!!!

I guess I just keep waiting for the bomb to drop.  Any time I get some peace and tranquility……I can’t enjoy it because I feel like it is the calm before the storm…..so to speak.  I’ve got to learn to enjoy every single second I have….that is peaceful….because they are few and far between.

Have a great day!

Genia